Author: bsanwald1209

The Diagnosis.

Posted on by bsanwald1209

 We didn’t really know what was happening. I think it’s because it was such a casual phone call. Maybe because it was the combination of positive phrases that made us devour every ounce of hope? I’m not sure what I was expecting that morning at the pediatric oncologist office but I know what I got. Ache. A very matter of fact answer. Your child has Rhabdomyosarcoma. She will need a year of chemotherapy. With treatment a 90% chance of recovery. Still waiting on the consultation from Seattle but they think it’s embroynal- the less aggressive form.

Blank stare. The only question I could think of was, “Will she lose her hair”?

“Yes, she will.”

I managed to hold all of my numbed emotions until that answer. She will lose her hair. Such a visible sign of the inevitable. I hung my head and cried. I couldn’t think of even one more question to ask. Greg faired a little better than I and managed to get some basic questions answered. We were told she would have some tests to determine if it had metastasized and what type of Rhabdomyosarcoma she had. After the doctor left the room we needed a few minutes to collect ourselves. Yes, “collect ourselves” collect the former life shattered on the ground of that office the moment those words were spoken. We cried all the way home. We didn’t say too much on the drive home, we couldn’t. Lane was with us. She had to go with us for an exam. She was excused to the playroom while our world fractured . She was playing with toys, laughing and singing while we wept.

Oh God, please heal my girl. OH GOD please take this away.

God’s gentle reply that day was, “I’m Here”

The days following that appointment were hard ones. We tried to live in the moment and enjoy the precious seconds with each of our children. Belle handled it very hard (she still does). Belle is a very softhearted little girl. She was very angry in the beginning, not knowing why we continued to take Lane to these doctors that hurt her. How can you explain something to a 5 year old that we can’t grasp ourselves? We couldn’t even find the words to pray. Save our daughter Lord! Make this all go away! Give us wisdom! I am grateful for my sister, Tracy, who reminded us that when we don’t have the words the Holy Spirit is constantly making intercession for us. Thank you Lord!

A lot of people have been praying for Lane from the birth of this story. I am so very thankful. Those prayers kept us afloat many hours, days even. God constantly reminded us that he was with us through prayers and genuine love from His people.

The weeks following Lane’s diagnosis she had an MRI, CT scan, Bone scan, Bone aspiration, Pet scan and several blood tests. Oh, not so bad, right? She will just have to lay in a machine and get a few pictures and go home? Yes, maybe for an adult but a child is completely, heartbreakingly difficult. Lane had to be sedated for every test. Yes, every test! She hates needles (like most kids) so an IV was a nightmare for her. Our nights before the tests would consist of Lane crying and begging us not to take her.  “No needles mommy”, she would sob as we tried our best to distract her from the early mornings events. It was a twisted thing really, we smiled and said it would be ok but inside we wanted to take her and run too.

IV’s, in the beginning, always led to the “goofy meds”. Medication that made her, well, goofy.  The first time she had this medicine it made her so spacey, not my Lane. It made me cry because it was so bazaar. She hated it too. She eventually realized what the medicine did and instead of putting her at ease it made her afraid because she felt out of control. I’d like to say that even after this medicine everything went without a hitch but I guess that’s just not reality.

Just a few snapshots of those moments:
-She woke up during her CT scan, completely terrified and crying for us.
-I had to leave right before her bone scan because I was !losing it! and couldn’t stomach seeing her like that. “Mommy, where are you going” she cried as I plunged into the exit door and grabbed the closest chair.

-She had a very large hollow needle put into both hips for her bone aspiration to draw marrow and take a sample of bone.
-She had to sit still for one hour while the radioactive serum circulated her system. (that was tough but the manger of the department was awesome)

Finally, done with these tests.
Ct scan- CLEAR
Bone scan-CLEAR
Marrow-CLEAR

Amen, Amen, Amen it hadn’t spread! Praise God, it’s no where else in her body! The next step was the surgery for the port but
with all of this hope from these test that came back clear we really started to think…what if it’s a mistake? What if the pathology came back from Seattle and it was read wrong? We searched for hope in waiting for that consultation and final pathology report to come back.

…and so we hoped…

It’s gotta be a mistake!

Posted on by bsanwald1209

Just an ultrasound? To confirm it’s nothing, right? So off Lane and I go to the hospital to get this ultrasound. So many people prayed for her that day, sent well wishes and notes of speedy recovery. Lane did great, I did ok. I was actually really annoyed that we were there. She’s fine but we have to do all this just to make sure, I know. Later that day we got the call.

It’s a mass.

The ultrasound had comfirmed it was a mass. I cried. We cried. A mass, boy, that sounded scary. Greg sat a chair outside, watching the girls play, and cried silently beneath his sunglasses. What was happening? They’ve got it all wrong. She was hit at a birthday party. It’s got to be a mistake.

So we schedule to see a different doctor and talk about a biopsy. Lane, my sweet Lane, got a fine needle biopsy right in the office. Poor thing didn’t see it coming but neither did I really. Honestly, this adds to my annoyance. Now my sweet girl has to be in pain because the radiologist can’t read the ultrasound right. Did he have a golf game he had to get to? Was his Mercedes being towed? Oh well, this will all be over soon. Sure enough the doctors calls a few days later and says the biopsy came back 90% fat cells. Yay! I knew it! It’s over. Except the radiologist is still really worried about the ultrasound and he wants us to do a core biopsy.

Really, is this necessary? I fought the impulse to say no and we scheduled that second biopsy. She would have to be under sedation. We had to sign all kinds of terrible forms that spelled out all the awful things that could happen. When talking to the anesthesiologist I could barely keep my composure, all I asked was that he treat her like she was his own. He said he would have her back safe and waking up soon. Off to the waiting room we went. It took only about 20 minutes, a very long 20 minutes. Sure enough, she was waking up in no time and we were on our way to Wenatchee (grandparents house)…pizza first though.

IMG_1093
(Nothing a little hot tubbin’ can’t fix)

Much that followed the next afternoon seemed like a blur until I started recalling it now. I grieve for the innocence we all new before that phone call. The annoyance of those doctors visits turned to fear in an instant. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but the second biopsy would suggest it’s a sarcoma” echoed the doctor. The phone call was over but I was still stuck on, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this”. Actually, I think a part of me is still hung up on that phrase. Sarcoma, Children’s Hospital, Pediatric Oncologist…tomorrow. The few words I could recall. I was in the car when the doctor called. I pulled over in a hurry and received the news that shocked me. Hurt me. Broke me. I got off the phone and wept in words “they said it’s cancer”. I couldn’t breathe. We wept, bitterly.  We cried and gasped for air. We prayed fiercly…it had to be a mistake.

No regrets…right?!

Posted on by bsanwald1209

So, here we are with quite a story these last 8 months. I’m cooking organically, appointments fill my calendar, the weather today is absolutely lovely and my child has cancer. Yea, I wish it was a game…which one of these statements doesn’t belong with the others? Well I suppose I should rewind and fill in the details of those jam-packed sentences.

Last year  Greg and I were itching for a change. Usually for me it’s nothing a little Home Good’s can’t fix but this was different. We started to ask ourselves… can we really do this? Do we dare? I always wanted to be a skier. I’ve only been a few times but I loved every freeing minute of it. We really wanted to simplify our lifestyle. Getting out of the grind and into the fresh air seemed so appealing. Through a series of different events we found ourselves sending resumes to Idaho,Washington and Oregon. We were living in the suburbs of Chicago, had a beautiful home, friends, family and well… a job.

IMG_0760

(Picture from last years Seahawks superbowl win, you’re welcome Greg)

The thought of ever selling my house and renting again made me panicky inside. We had worked so hard to get where we were and no reason to give it all up, right? So, we decided that if God wanted us there that we wouldn’t push open any doors. We would only put in the effort and God would direct that effort wherever He wanted. Let’s make a long story short. God showed up. He showed up big. We sold our house and it funded our dream of all things outdoors! We were going to be a skiing,biking,hiking,camping family. Job-check. House-check. Travel across the country with 3 kids in a minivan…check!

IMG_1338 IMG_1299

So we did it! We packed up our stuff(4 Uboxes, 30 hr. drive, 2 hotels, 10 million coffee’s) and moved across the country to Post Falls, Idaho.

 IMG_1212

We loved our new place and it’s serene mountain view. Many things to do, we planted fresh flowers, cut the grass and started unpacking.  Just one little pesky thing on my mind. Lane’s bump. *Rewind* See, Lane has this bump on her face that showed up after a birthday party. “Oh my goodness, what happened to your face Lane?” I said to her the next morning. “Oh, I wasn’t watching where I was going and I ran into someone at the party.” Hmm, okay well I guess that happens right? Ok, that will settle down and go away soon, for sure. So after a month of this bump not going away I did what most parents would do. I took her to the doctor.

cropped-lanie-22.jpg

“Yes, that’s quite the goose egg”, says the doc. She went on to tell me that bumps can sometimes take many months to go down. Ok, *breathe* so should we get some sort of test done? Anything? “No”, she says…”If it was my kid I would probably wait”. Well, I suppose that’s it then. After specifically asking if waiting would hurt anything (the answer was no, I was worried about a blood clot) we gathered up our things and left. Sweet, my baby is fine. We are selling the house and continuing with our  awesome journey. *Resume Present Time*

Just four days after arriving, I decided to make an appointment for a second opinion. Ok, one more appointment and maybe a test or two and we will have complete peace of mind and be done with this “bump” business. This appointment was the beginning of a new journey for us. A journey so far that has been overwhelmed with sadness, drenched by tears and infused with complete grace. God’s grace.