Pitch Black

How do I re-open a chapter that was sealed and closed? I mean, it was really sealed,locked and chained in a chest in the depths of the ocean. Two words. Two words scrambled time and stole our breath.

It’s back.

The ultrasound showed three spots in her paratoid gland. We had been assured for weeks that this swelling was simply a side effect of radiation. My gut was heavy with fear…that old familiar cold flash of fear that races through me like liquid lightning. The only words I can precisely remember saying was, “It has to be a mistake. You are reading it wrong.”  Our surgeon hung his head and said he was sorry. Tears filled all of our eyes and the moments were long and bitter.

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This monster that she had slayed was moving back in. Only this time his bags are bigger and his threat is severe. 

After several tests to rule out metastasis the surgery was scheduled. Now, I can’t convey how scary this procedure was. Our surgeon, whom we love, had a massive job to do. He explained all of the complications and concern for the nerves in her face. Simply put, Lane could lose facial function on her right side.

So, as if this  cancer hadn’t already taken enough now it demands more. The night before the surgery I found myself in a very familiar place. Looking and Lane wondering if she would be the same after the surgery. Soaking in her smile and watching her eyes blink. Taking in her laugh as she throws back her head and her mouth wide open with gasping glee. How can this be that we are here again? Lord, how can this be?

The hours ticked by and we went back and forth if that was good or bad. We anxiously looked up at every person that passed the waiting room window waiting to see our doctor. Finally his blue scrubs flashed by and we rushed out to the hallway to meet him. He looked exhausted but a tiny smile crept to the corner of his mouth. He was able to get the tumor and retain ALL of Lane’s facial functions.

One big win! This pitch black diagnosis has one win under it’s belt. 

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I wish that this was the end of our new chapter. I wish I could chain this back up and throw it back to the depths of the sea where it belongs. I hate that I can’t.

I hate that we have just started to fight.

We are fighting an seemingly insurmountable mountain. Not just this cancer or the 3% survival rating that accompanies this reoccurrence but we are fighting treatments, parental rights and indifference. Frankly my friends, the doctors aren’t giving my fighter much hope.

Alas, I know the Great Physician and he knows me. I am sad, confused, empty and sometimes afraid but I ALWAYS have hope. Thank you to all of the family that has flown out to be by our side. Thank you to our friends that have held our family together with your kindness,meals,babysitting and prayers. A very special thank you to my BF Brandy Ellis for not skipping a beat even when her own mother(Linda) was diagnosed with cancer last week.

Thank you churches and people of God for fervently praying for my girl.

There wasn’t much elegance or beautiful word pictures in this post…I have started and stopped several times. Our hearts are broken and we are very sad. We have a phone consultation on Monday with our 4th doctor and that may be our last ray of hope.

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Please,think of my girl and pray for her.

Also, our family has set up a go fund me page. There is no pressure but if you are willing we would be grateful. Thank you.

(click here to be taken to the donation page) go fund me

 

One thought on “Pitch Black

  1. We love Lane! She is such a sweet girl, and lights up the room! My kids absolutely adore teacher her on Wednesday nights!! We are praying without ceasing for your dear family!!

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